It’s time for the third and final Nate vs. Nate: The essay contest!

Round 3

In 500 words or less, please describe why you should be considered the Primary Nate of the Best Intentions at the show at the Lizard Lounge on June 19. Please cite your sources. Pencils up and BEGIN!

Nate Rogers’ essay:

Primary? Well, now let me see. You know, I don’t have any idea what that means.

I know what *you* think it means, sonny. To me it’s just a made up word. A politician’s word, so young fellas like yourself can wear a suit and a tie, and have a job. What do you really want to know? Am I sorry for what I did?  There’s not a day goes by I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, or because you think I should. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can’t. That kid’s long gone and this old man is all that’s left. I got to live with that.

Primary? It’s just a bullshit word. So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit.

WORKS CITED

Freeman, Morgan perf.  The Shawshank Redemption.  Dir. Frank Darabont.  Based on the short story “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption” by Stephen King.  Columbia, 1994.

Nate Leavitt’s essay:

I’ve never been good at writing essay’s plus they always remind me of the time my father made my sister write one about why underage drinking and lying is dangerous. So, I want to take this opportunity to write a Haiku.

Nate, in a word, great
One must be modest in life
With humility

Wow. Two truly terrible essays. I can’t decide which one I hate more. On the one hand, Rogers quoted one of my least favorite movies of all time, almost guaranteeing a loss. Then again, Leavitt knows that I am a haiku purist and that in order for a poem to truly be a haiku, it must involve nature in some way. Just 5-7-5 is NOT a haiku. Leavitt knows how I feel about misappropriating the ancient Japanese poetry forms. We’ve had many discussions about this over beers.

I’m going to have to go ahead and declare this one a draw and call for an sudden death overtime. This Saturday night at the Lizard Lounge – the final showdown between Nate Leavitt and Nate Rogers.

Let’s settle this the old fashioned way – by rocking.

Since yesterday’s Nate vs. Nate contest didn’t go so well due to my error, I decided to put a little more thought into this one. In order to determine who really is the Nate-o Supreme-o, I figured they should be tested on what they know about me, their proud leader. So I present:

NATE VS. NATE CONTEST #2: Brendan Trivia

Round 2

I know – it seems like an unfair contest. Since Nate Rogers and I were in bands together for over 5 years, you would think he would know me much better and have an advantage. This is not the case because a) Nate Leavitt and I have been in several projects together in the last year or so, including several Cover-Ups and our BalletRox performance and b) Nate Rogers doesn’t pay attention to anybody but himself and possibly Steve Gutenberg. So this is a much more evenly matched contest than you may imagine.

So I present to you, Nate vs. Nate Round 2. The question will be followed by each Nate’s answer and then the correct answer.

Question: How many toes does Brendan Boogie have?
Leavitt: 10.5
Rogers: Two. Brendan has hooves. It was our exasperation with re-shoeing him before every gig that led us to dissolve Scamper.
Correct answer: 37.

Question: In what city was Brendan Boogie born?
Leavitt: New York
Rogers: Brendan “Boogie” was born in Watertown MA.
Correct answer: Brendan wasn’t technically “born.” He was created by an inter-office memo during the dot com boom of the 90′s.

Question: Who was Brendan Boogie’s favorite Thundercat?
Leavitt: Cheetara… what a MILF! HOOOOO!
Rogers: John Blout
Correct answer: Voltron.

Question: What is Brendan Boogie’s proudest moment?
Leavitt: Declaring his love for a cartoon character
Rogers: Discovering that if you hold down the B button, Mario moves faster.
Correct answer: Assassinating Jared from Subway (August 2015)

Question: What secret would Brendan Boogie kill you if you let out?
Leavitt: His real last name.
Rogers: Bruce Willis’ character was dead the whole time.
Correct answer: He was Owen Wilson’s voice double for the movie Marmaduke.

Question: If you throw a beer at Brendan Boogie on stage, what is he most likely to do?
Leavitt: I wouldn’t waste a perfectly good beer on BB like that!
Rogers: Make a dick joke
Correct answer: Weep for 57 straight minutes.

Question: If Brendan Boogie were alone in a room with Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, how many seconds would it take for Brendan Boogie to punch him in the scrote?
Leavitt: .00001 seconds
Rogers: How many seconds can a punch possibly take? I say one, max — otherwise it’s more of a cradling. So, yeah, 45 seconds.
Correct answer: Trick question – MacFarlane actually lost his scrote during the war.

Question: What is Brendan Boogie’s middle name?
Leavitt: Fuckin’
Rogers: Marc Roderick
Correct answer: Elizabeth

Question: If Brendan Boogie were to throw a Japanese tea ceremony, which celebrities (living or dead) would he invite?
Leavitt: Rodney Dangerfield, Marilyn Monroe and Father Guido Sarducci
Rogers: John Blout, Marc Roderick, Seth MacFarlane, and Shelley Long
Correct answer: Well, it WAS going to be Nate Leavitt and Nate Rogers, but they obviously don’t know shit about me so I guess it’s just me and Justin Tibbetts.

Question: Why are you staring at Brendan Boogie like that?
Leavitt: Because he has BBQ sauce on his shirt and I’m hungry!
Rogers: I’m kind of perplexed by his inclusion of Shelley Long, that’s all.
Correct answer: The smoke show behind his steely green eyes.

Wow! What an exciting zero-zero tie! I can see why you all have soccer fever these days! After yesterday’s spelling bee debacle and today’s oh-fer, we’ve got to settle this thing once and for all with the final tiebreaker contest of Nate vs. Nate… tomorrow! Right here on the Boogiespacethingy!

This kind of thing gets you really excited for this Saturday’s show, doesn’t it? Be sure to get your advance tickets – the Lizard is a small room.

As I mentioned, this Saturday the Best Intentions will be rocking the Lizard Lounge (You can get your advance tix here) with This Blue Heaven, The Doctors Fox, and Glenn Yoder & His Merry Band (Glenn is in Cassavettes). I also mentioned that Nate Rogers (of Scamper and The Future Everybody) and Nate Leavitt (of The Blizzard of ’78) will be joining me on guitar.

What I DIDN’T tell you was that I am a small, small man. I feel that the best way to elicit good performances by my guys is to create a sense of competition. As we have been rehearsing for the show, I’ve been asking myself one question: who is the superior Nate?

In order to determine Nate supremacy, I have decided to make it official. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

NATE VS. NATE

Round 1

As we lead up to the show, I will be presenting a series of contests that will determine who will be Nate Numero Uno at the Lizard on Saturday night. Without further ado, I present the first contest…

NATE VS. NATE CONTEST #1: The Spelling Bee

I emailed Nate and Nate a series of National Spelling Bee-winning words with the following instructions:

Please correctly spell the following words that I am now emailing you. Do NOT look them up on the internet. Honor system, fellas. (The word is followed by each Nate’s answer).

Word #1: gladiolus
Rogers: gladiolus
Leavitt: gladiolus

Word#2: cerise
Rogers: cerise
Leavitt: cerise

Word #3: luxuriance
Rogers: luxuriance
Leavitt: luxuriance

Word #4: albumen
Rogers: albumen
Leavitt: albumen

Word #5: asceticism
Rogers: asceticism
Leavitt: asceticism

Word #6: fracas
Rogers: fracas
Leavitt: fracas

Word #7: foulard
Rogers: foulard
Leavitt: foulard

Word #8: chlorophyll
Rogers: chlorophyll
Leavitt: chlorophyll

Word #9: insouciant
Rogers: insouciant
Leavitt: insouciant

Word #10: soubrette
Rogers: soubrette
Leavitt: soubrette

Final score: Nate Rogers 10 for 10, Nate Leavitt 10 for 10. Result: tie.

Okay, so perhaps email wasn’t the best venue for a spelling bee. My bad. I’ll tweak this thing a little bit and come back with a more conclusive contest tomorrow, I swear.

Brendan Boogie & The Best Intentions
With This Blue Heaven, The Doctors Fox, and Glenn Yoder & His Merry Band
The Lizard Lounge, Mass Ave, Cambridge
Saturday June 19
8:30 doors 21+, $8 adv/$10 door