Shows like The Jersey Shore are, on the surface, a lot of fun to watch.  Who wouldn’t be entertained by a flashy combination of spray tans and complete lack of self awareness?  But as I talk to other reality TV viewers, I start to realize that perhaps these shows don’t bring out a good side of my personality.

Person:  Have you seen this Jersey Shore show?

Me:  Yeah, it’s hilarious.

Person:  That “Situation” guy is such a tool.

Me:  I know.  I hope that piece of shit kills himself.

Person:  Uh… what?

Me:  Or you know what would be cool?  If he were like horribly disfigured or crippled in some way.

Person:  O… k… I’m going to be over here now…

Here’s the problem – I watch these shows, hoping for justice to be served.  I don’t get any satisfaction from the resolution of a “Will Pauly and JWow hook up?” storyline.  I want a finale in which Sooki looks into the camera and says, “Oh my God – I’m empty inside.  My pursuit of fame at all costs is all wrong.  My parents should be ashamed of themselves.”  Instead, I get a gross hot tub make-out session.  Yuck.

You see, the only way reality TV will work for me is if every season ends with a Flannery O’Connor-esque life-changing moment of horror.  A soul-searing accident involving deep personal scarring and perhaps battery acid.  You know, so the kids watching learn how horrible it is to live like this.  Methinks I’m going to go home unsatisfied by the good people at MTV.

Of all the shows that I have powered through, Jersey Shore had the most potential to deliver at least SOME level of self-awareness.  How does a young woman get punched in the face for being obnoxious and NOT walk away with at least an inkling of “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t do that anymore.  The world is a dangerous place.”  Sadly, MTV had no time for that.  There were other fights to have and gross people to make out with and awful, clumsy dancing to house music to do.

The sad thing is that I’ll keep watching these shows, waiting for that moment of startling self-awareness.  I have a feeling that I’m going to be waiting for a looooong time.

Bring it on, Situation.  I hope Bells Palsy attacks your balls.